Snyder Buys Jewish High Holidays and Vows Move to May

Washington DC. June 28, 2007

You didn't think Dick Clark's Rockin New Years eve was the only New Years Dan Snyder was going after, did you? In an announcement made this afternoon, Washington Redskins owner and Pro-Global Warming architect Daniel Snyder has announced his plans to purchase the Jewish Holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

And it doesn't stop there.

Snyder also announced he intends to move them to the month of May.

"It is my understanding that a large portion of Redskins season ticket holders like myself, are Jewish. The last few years, the NFL has been scheduling Redskins home games during the High Holidays. I tried offering my schicza wife Tanya to Paul Tagliabue and more recently Roger Godell, however they each stressed their concern with sleeping with a goy trader. So I had to do the next best thing... move the holidays."

The deal estimated to be in the ballpark of $850 million dollars, was struck just past 1am eastern standard time while negotiating with the state of Israel. Although exact terms have yet to be released, sources close to the situation believe part of the deal will include falafel and schwarma stands at Six Flag Theme Parks. B'datz Machzike Hadas & Netanya Rabbanut have yet to confirm the contractual agreement, but did have this to say, " ".תבטאות כות-דיבווגל רשאי אנחנו אנ הבעת דעה איך כיצד באיזו מידה יכ

A myriad of special interest groups have come forward in disapproval of the sale. David Silverman of the Young Jewish Republicans is furious with the actions of Israel not to mention Mr. Snyder himself. Silverman's mother, Sherry, is furious with her son's actions of not putting away the milk last night after dinner. Together they will lead a rally on Capital Hill next Tuesday at 9am against the sale.

"Honestly, I am flabbergasted that Eretz Yisrael could even be capable of such outlandish protocol. Israel may be a Jewish state, but they do not legally possess the right to sell biblical events and have them relocated to Iyar (May). The whole thing makes me sick, my mother sick and every member of the Jewish religion sick (exluding Washington Hebrew Congregation)."

Snyder already owns the Washington Redskins, Johnny Rockets, the letter "D", the mild version of salsa, Six Flags Theme Parks, Tom Cruise, The Dulles Toll Road, Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve and now Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Snyder was rumored last Winter to be interested in purchasing rain, sleet and snow; but negotiations fell through when temperatures reached 72 degrees in January.

In the wake of the decision to sell the rights to the holidays, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced Israel has no plans to sell Passover, Sukkot or Shabbat; but did not refute rumors that the Israeli Cabinet would be renamed Dan Snyder's Cabinet.