Over the course of an NFL game, no man has ever looked as fat and stupid as Wade Phillips does on the sidelines. He just kinda wanders around with a (fake) headset mumbling plays he overheard Jason Garrett call in practice. He actually kinda reminds me of a grown version of Stillwell, the little fat kid who runs up and down the dugout eating chocolate bars from A League of Their Own. Phillips is nothing more than a puppet; hired to be the experience behind the Cowboys coordinators. He has been head coach everywhere from Buffalo to San Diego, yet has never won anything. Until two weeks ago.
During Dallas' 41-37 win over Philadelphia a few weeks ago, Phillips threw his arms in the air a record 36 times during the game. Everywhere from Terrell Owens first TD, to Desean Jackson dropping a football for no reason before scoring, to that pesky fly that kept buzzing over his head. (In reality, I spoke with a source in Dallas who informed me that the 'buzzing noise' Phillips hears is just static from the fake headset he was issued.) The record for 'raising the roof' by a single cracker during an NFL game was originally held by Aaron Gregory who was sitting near John Ogden at a Monday night Redskins game back in 1999. His record was broken just a year later by Mike Tice of the Minnesota Vikings. Tice had held on to the record until now.
"I just kinda, feel happy when I hear the crowd get louder. Then I see the guys around me get excited so I just (huge special smile comes across his face)...throw my arms in the air until the noise starts to die down. If you see me at the opening kickoff of the game, my arms are up then too," slack-jawed Phillips as he removed his helmet to eat a hot pocket.
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