PAUL GOES P.O.P

Russian Wedding Fight

Wow. Things really escalated quickly here.When you're attending a wedding in Novosibirsk, you better keep your head on a swivel. Ovechkin knows what I'm talking about. Disco break!

APRIL FOOLS! YOUR KIDS STILL HATE YOU!

Did you wake up this morning and think that your kids don't hate you anymore? Well then, April Fools! They actually hate you more than ever. Your new "limit snacks rules chart" may be effective in the short term. But just wait til they are old enough to catch you in the act of eating Wendy's five days a week, you hypocrtical bastard.

A new study* out of Lynn University shows that 74% of children under 7 believe their parents are down right dirty little fucking liars. 30% of those children think that it was completely unecessary for their mother to receive lasik eye surgery when she never leaves the house anyway.

While parents firmly believe their children are stupid, ignorant, whinny bitches; they think they may be on to something.

"The little guy watches Hannah Montana, The Wiggles and Power Rangers all day long. Eats nothing but shitty food. And sleeps more than anyone else I know...Yet he still continues to grow every day. I have a chart on my fridge to prove it," responded a brother of mine who chose to remain nameless.

*The University took a random sampling of 100 children from near by Boca Raton.

Conspiracy Theory Surrounds David's Move to New York

 

Last Wednesday on Twining lane, everything seemed in the ordinary. The table was set for three, the dog was passed out next to the dryer and the Bruce was just finishing a workout …but there was an eerie sense of silence coming from the loudest household in North America.

“I knew something was up. My mom had the tv off and a hair dryer out near the oven. A bit odd I thought. Then I witnessed my dad walking a locksmith out to the front door. Changing the locks? Maybe... Bruce is paranoid. But Robin drying her hair at 7pm in the kitchen…no chance.”

In a conspiracy being labeled ‘Hot Gazpacho’, David began to ask questions of the changes in his home. What he counted on was an explanation as to the hair dryer and the locksmith, but what he didn’t count on was a 15 year plot to remove him from his home.

With David’s announcement to move to New York City, his parents felt like he should hear the truth from someone he knew well, someone he trusted. When Robin walked over to the garage and opened the door, David could have never imagined who would walk back into his life.

It was his housekeeper Kathy who left the family back in 1993.

Kathy sat down and began to explain what had been taking place over the past 15 years. What unfolded was a deep, diabolical plot to get David out of his house. Back in 1991, Bruce and Robin were ready for their privacy and were going to get it one way or another. A year later Bruce and Robin financed Kathy, a genome scientific expert, to develop and create a new Dave in a laboratory off of Piney Meetinghouse Rd.

The lab would be close enough to Bruce so that he could check in periodically on the progress of the experiment. The family told David that Kathy had to return to South America because of her Visa expiring. David was only 10 and did not realize she was a legal US citizen born in Germantown, MD.

The experiment took longer than expected. The years kept marching on and soon enough it was time for David to go to college. Bruce and Robin thought they were home free when David enrolled at the University of Florida. But once again, he could not leave and quickly enrolled at the University
of Maryland before the Fall semester. Only fifteen minutes away, they needed a plan B.

They searched through the freshman class at UMD and hired a large breasted ginger named Erin. She was hired to draw him out of MD and eventually towards NJ or NY, her hometown. Slowly, the relationship progressed and the two began talking about moving to New York City after college. Only an act from God himself could keep David in Maryland any longer.

January 7^th, 2004. Joe Gibbs announced his return to coach the Washington Redskins after an 11 year hiatus. Bruce and Robin were stunned. They knew their son was not going anywhere. Determined not to fail, the pair returned their efforts to the first plan. 

Just a few months after Gibbs return, Kathy notified them that the product was ready to be released. The result was a marathon runner named Dave. He would be slowly introduced to the family by dating their daughter Michelle. The new Dave would be quiet and sweet. Everything they always wanted in the original Dave. They knew that the more they liked the new Dave, the sooner the old Dave would grow upset and want to leave.

A man close to the family who asked to remain nameless and only be called 'Just the Tip', had this to say.

"In my opinion, I think they just got tired of their dog pretending to be deaf.
From what I hear, every time David goes away, Sunshine (their dog) is the most playful, understanding dog. But when he comes back, she suddenly becomes Helen Keller like. I think they just said enough. For the sake of their dog, we need to finish this thing.”

In fact they manipulated the situation so well that they got Dave to believe that he really wanted to move out. A conspiracy that only an evil, manipulative family would conspire in. 

But how would one explain the TV, hot tub and renovated basement?

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer,” muttered Just The Tip. They had to pamper him as a diversion from the sick and twisted plot that was unfolding.