PAUL GOES P.O.P

CURRY TEARS ACL HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM SEX SWING

"Be careful B!," shouted Mandy as Curry swung himself into the crisp, thin air of the night. As if it was all happening in slow motion, Curry flipped himself backwards as he had done so many times before.Trying to perform his patent-pending 'venti-explodo' orgasm maneuver, he was blinded for a split second by a reflection off the waning crescent that shined so bright just outside his paladin windows. He wrapped his left foot around the rope as planned, but his right foot completely missed the target. Like a water balloon smashing a windshield of a car going 40 mph, the force was simply too much. Curry's knee snapped as he was left dangling inches above the horrified girl he was about to punish.

Upon hearing the scream, CIT Richard awoke from his drunken stupor and stumbled into the room to help his leader. Curry couldn't get any words out as he was fresh out of (bad) breath from his swing moves performed earlier in the evening. Such as 'The T-Pain Twisted Pretzel Dip', 'Shawty's Peachtree Double Dutch', 'Officer Bill's Timeout for a Snickers' and his infamous 'Mama Tell Me What You Sippin'.

A frightened Mandy sat under the covers shaking as Curry was carried out by paramedics into an ambulance. Stunned, Richard spun around in a daze as the ambulance drove off. The CIT decided he would not travel to Holy Cross hospital with his friend. Rather, he would listen to the non-existent voice of Curry.

"Take her down Richard. Finish the job with style points!" Nodding in approval to a voice that was never spoken, the CIT stormed back inside to make her clap one last time.

DUBIN SUES FRIENDS FOR REFUSING TO "BLACK OUT" WITH HIM

Adam Dubin stands for many things. The firm belief in an effectively executed reverse jinx and wrapping a Chipotle burrito with heart, among many. But if there were one act of defiance the man does not stand for, it would be his friends refusal to get "fratty." And he is not going to stand for it anymore.

Dubin, through his lawyer Ari Goldman, asserts that friends owe each other a contractual duty to "annihilate themselves". Dubin contests that it is an unspoken agreement between friends struck during elementary school, that all drinking will result in a violent bout of passing out on your front lawn naked.

At which point, the remaining friends are allowed to draw on you or commit vaguely homosexual acts for which, no acts of retaliation are permissible.

However, by law, if a friend passes out before midnight and wakes up without any prank done unto him, all friends who were present are subject to being called "faggots" for the next year. Dubin tucked this law into a little-known Appropriations Bill, in one of his trademark "pranks" for the express purpose of suiing friends who refused to "punish themselves".

Fumbling the words of President Bush Dubin stated, "if anyone submits a bill to me asking for a change in song playlist from the original power hour mix, i will veto it."

Dubin has led many secretive legislative initiatives in the past. Although Paul Goes Pop was unable to obtain an entire list, since many remain unknown, a Capitol Hill staffer listed just a sample:

1)  Declaring Las Olas Blvd in Ft. Lauderdale Florida, "A National Park"

2)  Making it a "punishable" offense to punish an unpunishable girl.

3) Motioning for Tiki Barber to be deported based on the fact that he's a "faggot"

4) Requiring all Nats fans to "dominate" the home run game.

And the list goes on and on. Although Dubin is not believed to have much of a case, defendants have already begun to scramble gathering evidence to the contrary. Long time friend David Silverman currently is the only one to have issued a statement.

quot;Yo, the Potomac Shooters absolutely dominated last night. Incredible performance from Bear...wait. Are you serious? He's suing us for not getting plastered? What a little faggot. I hate that prick. But it is kind of pimp though. Hahaha. What a fucking pimp Dubin is."

Red Robes Given Out to Drunkest Customers

New York City bars and clubs have been using unique marketing promotions for business growth since the "Happy Hour" was first established back in 1955. Cheap drinks for the after work crowd surely fast forwards the process of taking your co-worker Nicole to pumptown while keeping some extra coin in ones pocket. But rewards for the drunkest customer of the night? Sounds like a challenge. And when I say challenge I mean lay up. Last Saturday in a whirlwind of Golden State Warriors, the kid and I were approached by the manager of the bar.

"Are you the gentleman responsible for pissing on our bar, motorboating the waitress Heather and ordering 6 shots of Jagr for the price of on the house?"

"Mesmaybedidit," we mumbled.

And that was all the response he needed. In one fell swoop we were crowned with red velvet robes as the biggest jackasses of the night.