Recent efforts by Apple to expand wireless capabilities to the pornography world have failed before ever hitting the stores. Apple’s newest venture, the ‘i-Dildo’, was targeting women who wanted to be able to watch Rachel Ray, text message their friends and google Pink Berry locations all while masturbating. Apple CEO Steve Jobs sited, “Poor clitoris stimulation while internet browsing,” as one of the many reasons for its failure to launch.
A pioneer in digital MP3 and video applications, many believed Apple was attempting to take on too big of a load with the i-Dildo. Shareholders began to dump shares of the company stock when rumors began to swirl about the new Apple concept. They took a six point dive initially as many believed the i-Dildo would be a complete failure.
The idea came to Jobs when he and his family were vacationing on the island of Aruba. Jobs was walking out of a restaurant when he saw a homeless woman laid sprawled out on the pavement. She had her knickers pulled down to her ankels revealing what Jobs described as, "Bad Newz Kennel's training camp meets Sheldon Williams forehead." The theme song from 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom' appeared to be playing out of her cavern before Jobs caught glimpse of a walkman in her left hand. In her right hand, the woman was grasping a homemade vibrator to the likes he had never seen before.
The initial prototype was made out of Lincoln Logs with a Jumbo Jawbreaker at the top; bundled together with the rumble pack from an N64 controller and floss. Right then, Jobs saw a light bulb go off in his head. Upon returning to Portland, he began development on his new vision. Three months later, he made the announcement of the launch that would never come.
Earlier this morning Jobs had this to say regarding the company's failure;
"Maybe I was a wee bit off my rocker with this one. The i-dildo is dead. We will not revitalize this product, it's over. But we are still Apple and life will go on."
"What's next for us? Who knows! Maybe the i-flower pot or the i-six iron. Yea, the i-six iron. I like that. You can listen to your favorite mp3 track, check for wind speed and direction and download the pin position all while approaching the green from 160-180 yards away."
