June 23, 2009
April 03, 2009
Does This Look Like The Face of a Kid Who Would Eat Two Gallons of Ice Cream at 6am Before His Parents Woke Up?
Washingtonpost.com
Kids sure can say the darnedest things. Yesterday morning in a Bethesda household, a mother and father awoke to an unusual request from their 3 year old son. The child was upset and frustrated that he could not put the top of the ice cream back on the container. Confused, the father walked downstairs to find the toddler had opened the freezer and eaten the entire tub of ice cream all before 7AM. Unfortunately, the child (who has chosen to go by the name Thomas) could not successfully implement the exit strategy he drew up with his 6 month old brother the night before. Thomas faces a maximum sentence of 2 hours of gardening work with his parents.
Damn, kids certainly grow up fast these days. Back in my day, it would have taken me five or six years before I felt confident to breach my freezer for desserts prior to sunrise. But that's the age of technology we live in. I'm sure he google'd 'how to eat ice cream now' and was directed to a blog, designed by a 7 year old, on how to storm the kitchen before parents know what the hell is going on. Then looked at the blueprints of his house in the archives on longandfoster.com. Because that's the type of keen eye for detail demanded by preschools today. You don't just draw a duck blue because you've never seen a blue duck before, you do it because you're anticipating the day Gargamel uses his sorcery to turn all of the Smurfs into ducks!
March 10, 2009
Party School Bingo
With March Madness right around the corner, it feels like the right time to release the 2009 version of Barney Stinson's Party School Bingo. The rules are simple. Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction – up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc.
*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo
1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.
2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.
3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.
4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.
5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.
6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.
February 27, 2009
DC Receives $100 Million Stimulus Package
In the midst of the countries biggest economic crisis since 'The Great Depression', the highest paid contract for a defensive player in NFL history, has been awarded to Albert Haynesworth. The Redskins, who recently released 30 employees because of financial difficulties caused by the economy and a decrease in revenue, surely didn't have any economic difficulties today. For all that could be said for spending $100 million on Haynesworth (with guarantees up to $41 million), that much more should be said for spending $56 million on Deangelo Hall. Yes we needed to resign him. Especially since the inevitable release of Shawn Springs was looming. But why they felt the need to give Hall his second monster contract, is just another example of poor negotiations (or lack there of) with a free agent the Redskins targeted. I'm not suprised by either of these moves. You can't be at this point. I mean look at the guy below, just look at him. He loves the offseason hype. And why? Because he can create it. Come August, it's out of his hands.
Snyder will continue to spend like a maniac. None of us will ever change that. But as a Redskins fan, you have to believe our team got better today, regardless of what it cost. Unless what it actually cost the Redskins was Derrick Dockery, Chris Canty and another servicable player who could fill one of the other glaring holes on the team. (I won't rule out Dockery yet because who really knows how much cap room the Redskins truly have) This isn't the same as signing an aging veteran like Bruce Smith or Deion Sanders. It's also very different from signing Brandon Lloyd and Adam Archuletta. In this situation, the 'skins potentially got a stud in the prime of his career.
Enough with the analysis. It's February. Here's the real question I find myself asking. Who is in charge of hiring Redskins cheerleaders? Whoever it is, they've done the best work in DC since a couple of stoners decided to open up The Falafel Shop in Adams Morgan. Funny how some people believe in 'inner beauty' and 'dance experience' when they hire NFL cheerleaders. Something tells me the 260lb guy with his binoculars in section 415 doesn't. If Vinny Cerrato had half the intelligence as our Cheerleading Director, the team would be in pretty good shape.
February 12, 2009
February 10, 2009
February 05, 2009
Preakness Ends Tradition of Being Pelted with Beer Cans
Pimlico, MD doesn't have alot going for itself. The town resides on the outskirts of Baltimore which REALLY doesn't help it's cause. But what it does have is the Preakness. One of the three major horse racing events of the year. Annually, the infield of the Preakness becomes flooded with men and women who get absolutely annhiliated. It had always been known as one of the best days of the year.
Recently, the infield has become a war zone. People now toss full beer cans at people climbing objects, they sprint across urinals and worst of all the quality of tits shown has plummeted. We can now all collectively thank this group of drunken retarded trash for ruining the day for us retarded drunks.
The Jockey Club's press announcement said:
"No beverage of any kind (cans or bottles), including alcohol, soft drinks and water will be allowed to be brought into the public infield. Sixteen ounce beers will be sold for $3.50."
Well, can't say I didn't see this one coming. The last year I attended Preakness was 2006 and witnessed a friend's face get split open from a flying beer can. It's kinda like the direction NFL games are heading. The parking lots lately are completely filled with not just the drunks like myself; but the ones who like Nascar and wear jean shorts. I swear to Bud light, if you Nascar people ruin NFL tailgaiting, my frat brother Ross will absolutely lose it.
February 03, 2009
February 02, 2009
January 28, 2009
December 15, 2008
SMOKE AND MIRRORS
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me for a decade, shame on me. This time around, I do not find myself asking why; but how Dan Snyder and the Washington Redskins got the better of me again. Like Warden Norton from the Shawshank Redemption, I reflect on the season completely baffled. How did I expect anything more than what this team gave me? Anger and frustration don't sit in my stomach as they have in years past. Instead, I place the blame upon myself. When all was well, very few had the foresight to understand this was not a great team.
A group of over achievers, Coach Zorn found himself where no one expected him to land. 6-2 with a MNF game at home, heading in to a bye week. At some point in that game against Pittsburgh, this team died. They lost their will to fight and their desire to better themselves. Following a difficult loss (like the Redskins did against the Steelers), it is up to the coaches to make sure the team would remain focused. They lost a tough game to a good team; but it was one game only. This is where Zorn failed to react like the leader this team needed. Instead, he uncharacteristically transcended his style to that of his predecessor; using conservative play calls with a penchant for throwing short of the sticks on third down. At some point between Pittsburgh and Dallas, Zorn lost this team, himself and his fans.
So where do they go from here? A 'blow up' of this team's personnel from top to bottom would be shortsighted (unfortunately, not all that unlikely). Dan Snyder needs to learn that he must build this franchise, not buy it overnight. The foundation has been laid with a young head coach, a young quarterback and a handful of talented players in their prime. Despite the perception that this team is lost for good and hope remains bleak, Snyder and Cerrato must stay the course for at least one more year. Abandoning ship for the fifth time (Norv, Shottenheimer, Spurrier, Gibbs, Zorn) would not only sink this team; it would destroy any progress Joe Gibbs worked to restore.
October 30, 2008
PREDICTION - KORNHEISER MNF INTRO WILL SOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS
Good evening boys and girls. Tonight is election eve in Washington, DC. All across the country, citizens are eagerly awaiting to cast their vote for the next President of the United States. Normally, the sheer magnitude of this event would have Washington buzzing with an electric current strong enough to shock my hair follicles back in to existence. But tonight, the entire Washington DC area is ready to erupt over something even more important to its constituents that the next President; the Washington Redskins.
With a victory tonight against the Steelers, the Redskins would improve to 7-2 on the season, their best start since 1991 when they last won the Super Bowl. With a win tonight, you better believe the front page of the Washington Post will headline 'Redskins Win' and then discuss election day there after. Barack Obama and John McCain have been campaigning for months to prove their legitimacy as candidates, but so has another man who goes by the name of Clinton.
Clinton Portis leads the NFL in rushing up to this point and in doing so, campaigns to prove his legitimacy, as one the NFL's elite. On the other side of the ball, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethisberger at only 26 years of age, is campaigning for his own reverence as well. A somewhat forgotten Super Bowl winner, Big Ben has had to share his success with two other men from his 2004 draft class. Phillip Rivers of the San Diego Chargers, and a guy with the last name Manning. Tomorrow night, America will learn who will lead our country for the next four years. But tonight, on this night, we will all be witness to which NFL candidate can lead his team to a victory. Obama or McCain. Portis or Roethlisberger. Monday Night Football from our nation's capital, is coming up next.
October 20, 2008
CLEVELAND STEAMER
5-2. When you lose at home on a last second field goal from 50 yards away, the week ahead can be brutal. Not on the team, but on me. The longest week of my life has now culminated with a 14-11 win in which Portis blasted the Browns for 175 yards. That's right, 175. Sure I blacked out for the last 100 of them and (apparently) partially tore my calf while dancing following Santana's TD to put us up 14-3. Shit happens.
The 'Skins now head to Detroit to face the gulp (0-6) Lions. Facing a team we haven't lost to since 1875 scares me. Maybe it's because I'm cautious or maybe it's because I just woke up from a 6 hour nap in a taxi when I watched the game down the street, but Detroit is no guarantee. Our offense needs to figure out how to score and they need to do it fast. The Lions are the last 'bad' team the 'Skins will face for awhile...Our tremendous defense could use the cushion of 30 some points soon.
October 13, 2008
WINLESS RAMS COME TO DC AND THE REDSKINS SHIT THE BED
What can I say? They lost to the winless Rams at home! Those five games with no turnovers finally came back to bite them in the ass. Three in the game, all huge gaming changing plays. I'm way too angry to really talk about this loss. Browns come into town next week and they look pretty solid so far against the Giants. This team better get focused soon, next week will not be easy.
Oh, Shaun Alexander will be signed by tomorrow afternoon.
Continue reading "WINLESS RAMS COME TO DC AND THE REDSKINS SHIT THE BED" »
October 07, 2008
WAITING TO EXHALE
The Northeast corridor of the United States. Home to the Washington
Redskins, the New York Giants, The New England Patriots. The Yankees
and the Red Sox. The Rangers, Bruins and Devils. Franchises that have
all won a championship in their respective sport. From the Nations
Capital to the land of Massholes, everyone has enjoyed the thrill of
sharing a title with their beloved city. But there's one city that
waits and waits and waits. You guessed it...Philadelphia.
Known for the filming of six Rocky films and a tear jerking
performance by Tom Hanks, the city of brotherly love might be anything
but. In 2005, the population of the city was estimated to be over 1.4
million, while the Greater Philadelphia metropolitan area, with a
population of 5.8 million, was the fifth-largest in the United States.
A commercial, educational, and cultural center, the city was once the
second-largest in the British Empire,(after London) and the social and
geographical center of the original 13 American colonies. During the
18th century, it eclipsed New York City in political and social
importance, with Benjamin Franklin taking a large role in
Philadelphia's early rise to prominence. It was in this city that some
of the ideas, and subsequent actions, gave birth to the American
Revolution and American independence, making Philadelphia a centerpiece
of early American history. It was the most populous city of the young
United States and served as the the nation's second capital in 1774.(1)
From this brief history lesson, one may conclude that a city rich
with history and a direct influence on the blueprint of our country,
houses 5.4 million bitter assholes who continue to bottle up their
frustration with their sports teams. When your only sense of winning
comes from an indoor football team owned by Bon Jovi, you're
struggling. But hey. The Phillies have a pretty good team this year.
I'm sure after decades of suffering, this will be your year.
(1)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadelphia
October 06, 2008
TRY AND STOP ME
Get ready folks. This team is on the verge of exploding. Having won the last 4 games by a relatively close margin of victory, the Redskins are ready to pour it on. Enter the St. Louis Rams. Sure all of these games could have gone the other way in the 4th qtr. But there is no denying what they have done each week...dominate on the offensive line. Ball control, running the football from behind, in-game adjustments. This group is finally playing solid, smart football.
The biggest role not being talked about as much has to be that of Shaun Suisham. The guy has gone 7-7 the last two weeks when the Skins needed every single one of them. 41, 48, 50. At Philly. Those are just enormous kicks to make. If this team continues on what they have built, they'll only need him from 23. It's only a matter of time before 2 touchdowns a game turns into 3 or 4.
Yes, the zero turnovers have to bounce back and hurt us at some point. However, going 4-1 (with 3 of them being NFC east road games) to start the season is a complete surprise. We need to treat these next 3 games just as we did the last 4. Going 7-1 may not be so impressive if the Giants and Cowboys are 7-1 too.
October 01, 2008
POP POLL: WHAT WILL IDIOT ROOKIE DESEAN JACKSON DO NEXT?
What do you think will be the next Desean Jackson debacle?
Stu T, 25, Intramural Athlete and Dewey Beach All-star
"I bet he goes out to a club in Philly and picks up a chick. He'll start flaunting her in front of everyone, buying her drinks in VIP. Then he'll take her home to find out she has a penis."
Roos F, 28, Desean Jackson Fanclub Co-Founder
"Debacle! What have your rookie receivers done? Nothing. That's what. I think the next thing Jackson does is score against you faggots this weekend. I'm kidding. I love you Pbort."
Harold M, 24, Piano Lounge Singer
"Probably eats a bowl of Campbells Soup before game and tell's McNabb, "that soup's great man, even more chunky then your moms tush last night each time I smacked it."
September 28, 2008
THE REDSKINS HAD AN OFFENSIVE ERUPTION
Jason Campbell has arrived. Period. Only three short weeks after a less than flattering performance, Campbell has put together three enormous wins. The latest, coming today against 'the best' team the NFL has to offer. Campbell looked almost flawless reading the defense and finding the open receiver. Who goes by the name of Santana Moss. What an animal Moss has been this year. He absolutely abused Terrance Newman on a double move that accounted for 53 of his 145 yards. If the refs didn't take back not 1 but 2 TDs in the beginning of the 2nd half, this game isn't even close.
Jim Zorn coached another great game, often taking advantage of what Dallas gave the 'Skins. He fed Portis and Betts plenty to take control of the clock, he secured a 4th quarter lead and he even led the team in a huge post game hip hip hooray. Maybe, just maybe, Snyder and Cerrato have done something right.
September 24, 2008
WADE PHILLIPS SHATTERS ALL-TIME 'ROOF RAISING' RECORD FOR A SINGLE CRACKER
Over the course of an NFL game, no man has ever looked as fat and stupid as Wade Phillips does on the sidelines. He just kinda wanders around with a (fake) headset mumbling plays he overheard Jason Garrett call in practice. He actually kinda reminds me of a grown version of Stillwell, the little fat kid who runs up and down the dugout eating chocolate bars from A League of Their Own. Phillips is nothing more than a puppet; hired to be the experience behind the Cowboys coordinators. He has been head coach everywhere from Buffalo to San Diego, yet has never won anything. Until two weeks ago.
During Dallas' 41-37 win over Philadelphia a few weeks ago, Phillips threw his arms in the air a record 36 times during the game. Everywhere from Terrell Owens first TD, to Desean Jackson dropping a football for no reason before scoring, to that pesky fly that kept buzzing over his head. (In reality, I spoke with a source in Dallas who informed me that the 'buzzing noise' Phillips hears is just static from the fake headset he was issued.) The record for 'raising the roof' by a single cracker during an NFL game was originally held by Aaron Gregory who was sitting near John Ogden at a Monday night Redskins game back in 1999. His record was broken just a year later by Mike Tice of the Minnesota Vikings. Tice had held on to the record until now.
"I just kinda, feel happy when I hear the crowd get louder. Then I see the guys around me get excited so I just (huge special smile comes across his face)...throw my arms in the air until the noise starts to die down. If you see me at the opening kickoff of the game, my arms are up then too," slack-jawed Phillips as he removed his helmet to eat a hot pocket.
September 11, 2008
VINCE YOUNG FEELS LIKE THIS DUDE LOOKS
Vince Young remains a riddle wrapped in a 6'5 230 lb quarterback. The Titans QB was injured last week in the season opener and felt rather upset about the injury. Whats that? He was also really hurt at the way the Tennessee crowd reacted to his performance?
“It was my first time getting booed,’’ Young said. “I didn’t know how to handle that.’’
Let me get back to Young in a second. What the fuck is up with that dude from 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'. His hair is all messed up in the back, he's wearing those black tights that girls seem to like, has eye make up running down his face, wears tons of jewelery and is unshaved. So pretty much he looks like a chick that got pummeled the night before and is now on his walk of shame.
Going back to Young, his close family and friends were actually the one's who alerted police that they were concerned about his mental state. It was when Vince was out of contact for hours that people began to panic. "He texted me :( and then an hour later I got bffae?" commented Titans coach Jeff Fisher. "Something had to be done."
September 08, 2008
PATRIOT BLUES
The silence was unlike any other in Gillette Stadium. Supermodel Gisele Bundchen looked on in horror as her boyfriend (and ticket out of Boston) lay on the ground writhing in pain. NFL MVP Tom Brady's season was over before it even began.
I would absolutely love for this story to continue to unfold just as it did in Varsity Blues. I think it needs to. If not only to take away from the continuation of the Brett Favre saga dominating media reports. Would it be too much to ask that Matt Cassel, Gisele and the Brady family waited hours for Tom to get out of surgery last night. And when the doctor walked out of the ER, he told Brady's dad he will need several surgeries just to be able to walk again. You know the rest. Brady's dad goes on and on about Tom's future blah blah blah. Then Coach Belichick tells Cassel , "the Brady family appreciates your support, but go on home." But here's where the story would become fantastic.
Gisele asks Cassel for a ride home and immediately throws herself at him in the car. She then puts on the whipped cream bikini, they make out, Brady gets taken out to a strip club by Cassel and the team to lift his spirits, Maroney tells Cassel that Belichick is a fucking racist and won't give him the ball on the goaline, Matt Light catches a hook n ladder for a game winning touchdown, Welker steals a cop car while being drunk and naked, I could go on forever. And would it be all that far fetched?
Just know that if Cassel blows up next week, you know whats coming next.
August 27, 2008
LISTEN UP. DRAFT THIS MAN
Men across the country have been slowly counting down the days. Patiently awaiting the time when they would no longer have to stomach that 1st rd draft pick on Willie Parker. When drinking on Sunday will have more excitement than the backdrop of Padraig Harrington winning a major. It's no wonder August/September birthdays have increased 41% over the past decade. But the wait is over. Not only for your 2nd child but that sweet redemption for picking up Andre Hall instead of Ryan Grant. Fantasy Football is back and your female co-workers are fucking pumped.
Studies out of my apartment have concluded that the majority of girls will only complain so much before pretending to be interested in your fantasy football team. They aren't like guys when it comes to listening to constant over analysis of your squad. They actually don't get that when money and pride are involved, a league is more competitive than a sorority of Long Island girls waiting to ride my cock. You see, most guys will nod in agreement when listening to a friends trade dilemma. But they will actually be starring into space waiting to interrupt with their own question. It's a sick, cyclical occurrence that merely justifies ones own thought process. We feel comfort in ANYONE agreeing with a move. Example. I was taking a dump at the gym today and overheard people discussing drafting Brady with the 6th pick in a draft. The other guy told him it's a must pick, the guy threw 50 TDs last year.
"How many pts are TD passes," I bark while reaching for the shittiest quality of tp known to man.
"Um 4,'' answers the moron about to waste a pick on Brady.
"You're handcuffing yourself with that pick, take the top RB on the board and grab Brees in rd. 3," I recommend.
"You think?"
And that's all it takes. A man can be swayed by the opinion of a complete stranger taking a shit when it comes to fantasy football. Thus lies the beauty of it. Sure you'll have a few friends who are sure of their knowledge yet never seem to win. You're also bound to come across the guy in 5 leagues who loves every fucking player. But no man is truly sold on anyone. I could probably write a paragraph convincing you why you shouldn't even think about drafting Willie Parker. You may not agree with it, but it will 100% fuck with you. Ah thats fun. See what I just did there?
Enjoy these last few days of tranquility while you can. Come next Thursday, it all starts again.
August 06, 2008
'FRATTIEST MAN IN NFL'
The NFL has been slammed in recent years thanks to degenerate players and their horrendous off the field decision making. So when a player like Chris Cooley comes along, it's only a matter of time before the NFL makes him their new 'face guy'. And when that day happens, prepare for mayhem. Cooley is hands down the frattiest player in the league. In his brief career with the Redskins, he has steadily outdone himself over and over again.
Let us take a look:
- Bangs a Redskins cheerleader his rookie year
- Bangs a 2nd Redskins cheerleader same year, she quits her job so they can date
- Deposits his signing bonus at a driver thru bank window
- Throws down over 21 drinks on his 21st birthday with his dad
- Marries the cheerleader and gets annhilated at his wedding
- Starts a blog including contests such as 'grow a beard bigger than mine', resulting in free gameday tickets
August 05, 2008
POP POLL: WORD ON THE STREET
How would you have handled the Brett Favre situation in Green Bay?
Charles F., 26, Philanthropist/Self Proclaimed Sexist
"What situation? If I were Aaron Rodgers I'd probably retire before training camp begins and start looking for work as a first class faggot."
David S., 24, Political Correspondant to P.O.P
"What a disgrace that was to the entire organization and to Aaron Rodgers. That GM Thompson should have spread malicious propoganda enticing the city of Green Bay to hate Favre. That and of course blast Favre with ad-homynym attacks."
Roos F., 28, Owner Rooos Wings & Beer
"Remember 4th and 26, when Donovan found Freddie Mitchell for a first down in the NFC Championship? That reminds me exactly of this Packers fiasco. Except the Eagles won that day!"
HOW DID KIDD MAKE THIS TEAM?
The USA basketball committee should congratulate themselves on assembling a solid team to compete in this years Olympics. For one, they finally got Kobe to play and represent his country. His defensive presence along with Dwade will ultimately decide if this team can win the gold. I like Dwight Howard in the middle but don't love Chris Bosh. Deron Williams and Chris Paul will serve as the playmakers who set up most offensive positions. But why the fuck they decided to include Jason Kidd as the veteran presence is beyond me.
Kidd has slowed down considerably over the past year and probably won't contribute at all on the court. If they wanted his leadership, make him a coach. If they wanted a veteran leader PG for this team then they should've chosen someone who can still play at this level.
Not that I expect Kidd to play that much nor do I anticipate him effecting the outcome of a game, but there had to of been someone else willing to play who can still run.
Even Kobe Bryant is telling Kidd to get his ass off the court
July 23, 2008
REPORT: POST LUNCH 'WATERCOOLER' GAME 65% MORE EFFECTIVE THAN 'HALLWAY BUMP INTO' GAME
The workplace presents many opportunities to transition old versions of one's game into a myriad of alternative methods to punish. Traditionally, running game at the office was a staple of the "do you want to go smoke a cigarette?" or "the reach for the same floor button on the elevator". But the American worker has grown increasingly lazier and dissatisfied with their job, resulting in more water and coffee breaks.
"Nothing says I want to bang you more than keeping the skim milk out for her to use," says Kenton. As a producer at MTV, Kenton works long hours surrounded by tons of interns looking for an excuse to be somebody. And by be somebody, I mean sleep with their superior. Fresh, young college graduates are thirsty for knowledge. Not so much how to do their job better, but which utility closet has a lock on the door.
Consistency generally is key when demonstrating strength in any given event. However, the evolution of game calls for a continual balance of imbalance. To achieve the principles of efficiency, one might suggest using a variation of the following tactics. The obnoxious observation, "Oh, you went to the beach last weekend? You didn't get much color." The office inside-joke, "...and that's when I told Julie if we do this, no more talking about your cats!" The mutual understanding, "we should fuck...what? I mean I really like your boots." Or the Rhode Island reach around, "excuse me, just grabbing an extra napkin. Sorry, I need two."
Any combination of the aforementioned is sure to initiate an awkward office relationship that should ultimately lead to someone's departure. If you are leaving anyways, then there's no better bon voyage party then one where you promise multiple girls that you always 'had a thing for them'. Sure one or two will laugh in your face, but there's always that one special girl who can't handle her liquor. And my dad always taught me, never let a hammered girl get home on her own. Pay for her sober friends cab, then bring her home.
July 16, 2008
ALL-STARS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! THEY MAKE 3 ERRORS IN A GAME
Last night's 15 inning MLB All-Star was something of a bore. That is if you don't like 34 strikeouts, game saving defensive plays and 4 hours of Joe Bucks' monotone banter. I don't. I like ex-crackheads blasting 500 ft homeruns and Chase Utley telling the New York crowd to fuck off. Maybe I'm a romantic, but I that's what I want.
Sure you'll read articles applauding the pitching performance from last night. But wouldn't you rather read about anything else? I would. Reading is exciting to me. Not as exhilarating as crapping in a FedEx box and mailing it to your friend Stu. That's the best! Hey Stu, I told you I'd get you back for leaving me in jail that night I defended your girlfriend. I guess it was my fault, I did tell her I'd buy her a shot if she motor-boated the set of tits to our left. The woman was 71, I didn't think she'd actually do it. Oh well. Maybe it was a bit "aggressive" for a Saturday afternoon at your family reunion.
July 08, 2008
HEY BRETT, FUCK OFF!
Can someone please tell ESPN to stop picking up local stories from the Milwaukee Journal? When a headline reads, "Favre texts Packers GM", there is no story. Every newspaper in Wisconsin HAS to write a Favre piece daily or the town goes ape shit out of boredom. In fact, I've read so many headlines about Favre retiring and coming back that no headline would make me look twice. The only way I'll read another Favre article is if he punches CC Sabathia in the nuts for taking a headline, bangs Madonna and then uses roofies to get Megan Fox pregnant. Then and only then will I give a shit about Brett Favre.
If he comes back this year I'm going to freak out. Another season of Joe Buck and John Madden tilting their heads back to gargle his career on air! Is that what I have to put up with for another season? If I were Aaron Rogers, I'd pull a Ben Linus and make sure he has a reason to stay retired.
ARENAS TAKES $16 MILLION LESS THAN OFFERED, RECEIVES $80 MILLION MORE THAN HE DESERVES
Hate him or love him, Arenas is back for the next six years. The Washington PR team threw together a plan to announce that Gilbert turned down an astonishing $16 million dollars out of his "desire to win."
I love it.
More sports franchises need ideas like this when it comes to using all of their cap room on one player. Just think how we would view Dan Snyder had he announced the team offered Brandon Lloyd $89 million dollars over 5 years, but Lloyd felt he only needed $25 million. Quite the bargain. As for re-signing Arenas to this deal, I'm torn. You can't convince me signing Baron Davis for half the money wouldn't have been a better move. Or than Gilbert is worth almost twice as much as Chris Paul. But he has brought starpower to DC which has completely been lacking since the few years of Webber and Howard. And that team only made the playoffs once.
June 17, 2008
NFL PLAYERS CONTINUE TREND OF MAKING OUTSTANDING DECISIONS
"Hi, I'm Javon Walker. You might remember me from such injury plagued football seasons as "2005, shredding my knee in Green Bay and demanding to be traded" or "2007, tearing my knee again in Denver and suggesting I should move on." Well now I'm about to re-start my career in Oakland! That's right friends, class act Al Davis agreed to pay me $55 million over the next 6 years.
Care to celebrate? Great! Meet me in Las Vegas where I will be spending $12,000 on alcohol.
Will you or I be drinking it you ask? Unfortunately, no. But we can stand on seats and spray the crowd. You know, random people love getting drenched with champagne at nightclubs and I'm happy to do it. No, I'm telling you, people love it. They won't get mad and come after me, I'm Javon Walker. You may remember me from such bad judgment decisions as "Getting my teammate killed during a confrontation on New Years Eve.''
Does everyone remember that? A melee started before teammate Darrent Williams was shot because Denver receiver Brandon Marshall and his cousin were spraying champagne at the Denver nightclubs. And suprisingly, that agitated gang members in attendance. Not only that. Walker didn't attend Williams funeral in Texas with his teammates. Instead, he went to (yep, you guessed it) Las Vegas and decided to pay tribute to his fallen teammate by wearing his hair in a mohawk.
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